The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just found a bag of teeth...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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