I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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