her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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