Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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