I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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