ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
