she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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