be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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