i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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