I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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