I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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