I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
