he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
