God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
should my penis look like a turkey
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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