I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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