Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
