I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
