i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
