my mouth tastes like poor choices
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
