Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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