I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
