I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
nutella sex= disaster
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
