When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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