piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
