I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
