Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
