I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
