The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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