how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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