i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
