home. puking in laundry basket.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
