I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
