I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
