i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
