I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is Oprah even human
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
