Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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