i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
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Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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