I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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