I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
