just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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