Can i not drive my cunt home
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
