i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
