Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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