My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
