grandma shit on top of the toilet
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize