Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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