sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
