took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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