things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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