We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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