I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize