The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
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