I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the condom got lost in my hair
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
