Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
