home. puking in laundry basket.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
