VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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