I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
