just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Sober January is a disaster.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
