hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
